I am excited to write an article based on the thoughts that were born as a stimulus from the random discussions I have had in the last few days. Those of you who know me personally are well aware of my opinion about luck: it just does not exist. Everything has a purpose, everything happens for a reason. In the same way, every discussion I enter these days had a purpose –to inspire the content of this article.
Recently a friend asked me what in my opinion is the characteristic that defines me more in my life and that has supported me to succeed consistently my life goals.
I replied without hesitation that it is audacity: the force-impulse to move forward and seek to experience what I want, even when I’m afraid, there are no guarantees and the risk is very high – at a personal, family, financial, career or emotional level.
The next obvious question was: “what elicits this force?” The only answer I could give was ” my self-love!”
When you love enough yourself, it is only natural that you will seek to make it happy. Sooner or later the social compromises collapse, you gain clarity about your purpose and the only move left to you is the leap that will lead to the effective satisfaction of self, even if it is a leap towards the unknown. No one can live real greatness without first loving oneself.
In the last years more and more people visit coaches, teachers, therapists or participate in seminars, in search of love-especially the kind of love that derives from a personal, romantic relationship. Nevertheless, most fail to find it, no matter how much they search, how much they try or how much they spend. This is because they do not realize that love is found in a place that they are not looking into or they do not want to look at – love is found within. When you do not love yourself or even worse – you do not exactly understand what this phrase means (a phenomenon that I quite often face in my work) then I can assure you that you are looking at life through cloudy and grey lenses.
What explains this is usually that most people have reverse understanding of how things work. They expect that they will love themselves only after they achieve something they have set as a goal – a business development, the perfect body, the relationship they were seeking for. This kind of expectation is like saying to your car that you will fill it in with gas or petrol only after arriving to your destination.
Love yourself first. Love it NOW! This is the basis upon which you will build constructive experiences -including the relationships you want so much. Even more, self-love is the basis that will lead you to experience the great purpose of your life.
A DEFINITION OF SELF-LOVE
Let’s attempt to agree on a definition for Self-love: “ Self-love is the unconditional love and respect that you feel for yourself, and it is so deep, so firm and unshakable, that guides you to only choose situations and relationships that reflect the same unconditional love and respect”.
Let’s make a pause here. Please feel deeply these words. Direct this definition to you and with your hand on your heart re-read the definition aloud. Feel the vibration that permeates your words and move your body as you say this truth:
“Self-love is the unconditional love and respect that I feel for myself, and it is so deep, so firm and unshakable, that guides me to only choose situations and relationships that reflect the same unconditional love and respect”.
The choice of the words “unconditional and respect” is a strong and deliberate selection. It means that, without discrimination, conditions, rules and expectations you are bound to give yourself love and respect. It means that the love and respect that you feel will always be there, even when you make bad choices, you are not successful, or when you are not giving out the best of you.
You are a human being, and as such, you will make mistakes, you will fail and fall. But it is your unconditional love that will lift you up to continue the adventure.
You may wonder, how is it to love yourself so much, as to defend your right to unconditional love and respect before everything and everyone? It is as if you play the role of your best friend, who knows you thoroughly, accepts you and support you in whatever you do. It is the behavior that you take towards a small child that is trying to learn to walk, but falls. You will not say “Get up dud! What is your problem? ” You will say “everything is all right, keep trying, you are sure to learn to walk soon! “.
It is your job to do the same with yourself: always choose to give it a hug and remind it that every time there is an opportunity to learn something, regardless of your age or the situations you face. When you make love to be the basic option for your actions, the adventure of your life will take a very different turn. Many have been in relationships where others did not love them unconditionally, but instead used love as a prize, a punishment, or to manipulate them. Or even worse, sometimes trusted loved ones -parents, friends or lovers- shattered their love, perhaps creating some of the most painful and difficult situations they have ever faced in their lives. So, do yourself a favor. Do not repeat the same mistake. Change your relationship with yourself, since it is the only relationship that you absolutely have control of. Make it more effective, so that love is always present, always given.
HOW TO MAKE SELF-LOVE A DAILY EXPERIENCE
- Choose to love, care and be compassionate towards yourself at every moment.
- Choose to take care of your body adopting healthy habits, like rich nutrition and empowering and fun physical exercise.
- Choose to do business in the field that interests you and that makes you feel joy and expansion, even if conditions are not easy at the moment.
- Choose to pamper yourself daily allowing for times of entertainment and fun, that will make you feel vibrant.
- Select to create abundance around you, acknowledging the small pleasures that you already possess, such as a cup of hot coffee, a comfortable bed or a refreshing swim at the beginning of the day. Choose to love yourself and treat it with tenderness, every moment of every day.
- Stop criticizing yourself, calling it useless and focusing on what you do not like about it. You have that option. Make a substantial act of love towards yourself and stop being the number one bully of yourself -abusive and offensive to your honor and dignity.
- “See” Yourself. Look deep inside your eyes every day. View your true self in the mirror, your true feelings. See your soul.
- “Listen” to yourself. Your body, heart and spirit communicate with you every moment. If you listen, you will receive all the guidance you need to experience endless and unconditional love. Love means that you pay attention. Love means that you listen. You are constantly receiving messages from your body and your inner intuitive guidance, such as “relax”, “play”, “make love”, “dance”, “stop eating those things that hurt you.” You also receive messages through your feelings about any situation that you are experiencing. When you get such a message, listen carefully and try to understand. Set the stage for an open dialogue with yourself. You will be surprised by the clarity and power you will gain from it.
- Act on the guidance you receive. Without action nothing will change! It is more efficient to make the step you are thinking about, to check whether it will take you where you want, than to dwell in your thoughts for ages, weighing again and again each parameter.
- Celebrate! Celebrate your every experience. Instead of thinking what you did not do today and what you have to do tomorrow, at the end of each day spend a little time to think about what you did and what you achieved. Even if it is that you have allow yourself to rest, read a book, organize your work or make a phone call. Measure everything you did as a success. This will revive your spirits and keep you on your toes to move forward.
- Rest and rejuvenate. Plan your daily rest, but also do regularly breaks during your work. Do something that will stimulate your senses, as a slow and relief stretching, expose your face to the sun (or to the cold), move to the beat of a song that energizes you, or whistle a tune you love! Give yourself regularly the chance to enjoy the feeling of being alive. Usually people – especially women- are constantly seeking to please others, and end up exhausted.
Choice is one of the greatest powers given to us to create the life we want. What you will select will depends upon what you want. But there are some things that are right for all, as they have a positive impact and unambiguously express self-love:
When you stop condemning yourself continuously, you will get rid of your defensive behavior and therefore the fears and pain will shrink. Your life will cease to be a constant struggle. You will be able to breath deeper and you will stand in a more empowering foundation for achieving your aspirations.
Love lives within you. When you choose to believe it, you will see it. And when you find it in yourself, you will be able to recognize it in others- and others will in turn be able to recognize it in you – consciously or not.
If you expect every step to be a 100% right, you will never move. Taking steps whenever you have the chance, will allow you to collect more information and test yourself, and this will lead you to do more and better choices.
When you’re too tired, you behave in ways that often you regret. You must allow yourself to replenish and feel satisfied -before you are ready to offer anything to others. Do not give of your spare. Give your leftovers. When you receive from yourself love, energy and abundance, you create the conditions for a continued offering to others. Love and energy are renewable resources. When you fill yourself with love, it reflects effortlessly on others. Include therefore consciously and deliberately the intention to rest and recreate every day, as it is not a luxury. It is a necessary, essential act of love towards yourself and towards others.
